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For The Families

When a child is diagnosed with cancer, many people are at a loss as to what they can say or do to help the ones they love deal with things during this trying time.

Although there are many things that can be done, and not every family is the same and needs the same things, we have tried to compile a list that can assist you in helping friends and families you may know. Remember that there are also things that one should not say or do for individuals trying to cope with cancer. We have tried to include some of these as well.

The things sited here have come from a variety of sources. Many are from books written for parents of cancer patients or from informational packets given by the doctors and nurses. Please keep in mind that above all else it is best if you respect the wishes of the family while honoring their privacy. If you feel you have learned something by experience that should be added here, please feel free to contact us.

Things to do for families with children suffering from cancer or blood disorders

Be sensitive to the emotional state of both the child, the parents, and the siblings. Sometimes they will want to talk while other times they may just want a hand to hold.
Donate frequent flyer miles to distant family members who have the time but not the money to help.
Clean their house for when they come home from the hospital. Mow the grass, shovel snow, water plants, or take care of pets. Anything that is household related the family will not have time to do.
Grocery shopping (especially when the family is due home from the hospital).
Do laundry or dry cleaning runs.
Get them a gift certificate for video rentals.
Buy CDs or cassette tapes for the child undergoing chemotherapy. Perhaps even get them a Walkman or Discman if they do not have one. Or, an MP3 player.
Puzzle books, reading books, and activity books, especially for the siblings. Many parents could use help with the other children.
A night or day of babysitting.
Take the parent a bag filled with things you think they might need, such as note cards, nail care products, laundry detergent, magazines, hand lotion, an array of items. Just think to yourself, "If I couldn't be home for over a week, what would I need?" Then throw it in the bag.
If it's possible to get there, come and sit with the parent in the hospital on those long days when he or she is scared and bored and exhausted all at the same time. Bring a favorite food or a new magazine, and bring lots of news and stories to make them feel less left out of normal life. Hang out with the child so Mom or Dad can get a shower and something to eat.
If their treatment center is fairly far from home, phone calls (and gifts of those pre-paid phone cards so they can call out) can make them feel like they're still in touch with family and friends.
If the sick child is a teen, provide transportation so that friends can come to the hospital. Staying in touch with friends and having their support is REALLY important.
Enlist people to send cards and silly, fun things to the child and any brothers or sisters. A little fun and excitement go a long way toward alleviating pain and fear.
Find out what the child likes (some kids collect stickers, beanie baby toys, cool hats, pins, etc.) and help get a collection started if he or she doesn't have one already. It will provide something fun to focus on and then people will know what to send or bring when they don't know what else to do.
Commit yourself to be the friend of one of the siblings, someone the child can call on when he or she needs to talk or is feeling left out. If the child has brothers or sisters, find someone whose special job it is to give each of them attention, time, treats. They're scared and they're left out and they need people to take them places and listen to them and make them feel important. Be that person!
Find out if there are any special needs the family has, and try to coordinate a solution to their problem. Is there a child who is often home alone after school because one parent is at work and the other is at the hospital? Do they need help with transportation or a supply of meals on certain days when normal life is impossible because of clinic visits, diagnostic tests, etc.? Once you've identified an area of concern, work WITH the family to help them solve the problem. In particular, don't ever decide on your own to sponsor a large project like a fund-raiser or major house repair, etc., without talking with the family first. As well-meaning as many of these efforts can be, they may not always be serving the family's most urgent needs. Any supportive undertaking needs to be done in a way that respects the family's wishes and honors their privacy.
Be the "fun" friend who shows up at the hospital room or at home with bubbles, silly string, joke books, Marx Brothers videos, rub-on tattoos, whatever. Life is scary enough right now without having all the grown-ups walk in with long faces! It'll help Mom and Dad, too.
When a child begins taking steroids, as many children going through cancer treatment do, they may gain weight and change sizes for periods of time. During these times their normal clothing may not fit as it should. If looking for a way to help, donate items of clothing in various sizes to families in need.

Things to say to parents dealing with a child with cancer or a blood disorder

I didn't call earlier because I didn't know what to say.
Our family would like to do your yard work. It would make us feel as if we are helping in a small way.
We want to clean your house for you once a week. What day would be convenient?
Would it help if we took care of your dog? (or cat, bird, fish, etc) We would love to do it.
I walk my dog three times a day, may I walk yours too?
The church is setting up a system to deliver meals to your house. When is the best time to drop them off?
I will take care of Jimmy whenever you need to take John to the hospital. Call us anytime, day or night, and we will come pick him up.

Things that do not need to be said

I am so sorry.
"God only gives people what they can handle." (Some people cannot deal with the stress of childhood leukemia).
"I know just how you feel." (Unless you have a child with cancer, you simply cannot relate to them.)
"You are so brave" or "so strong" etc. (Parents are not heroes; they are normal people struggling with extraordinary stress.)
"They are doing such wonderful things to save children with leukemia these days." (Yes, the prognosis is usually good, but what parents and children are going through is not wonderful.)
"Well, we're all going to die one day". (True, however, parents do not need to be reminded of this fact.)
"It's God's will." (While possible to be true, this is just not a helpful thing to hear.)
"At least you have other kids," or "Thank goodness you are still young enough to have other children." (A child cannot be replaced.)

Dealing with a child with cancer or any other major disease is very stressful on the family. There are financial worries as well as emotional issues to cope with. They will need the support of good friends and family members to make it through the years ahead. Be careful what you say and do as they are dealing with as much as they can handle right now.

The last thing a person needs is to have to push away a once close friend or family member due to the lack of thinking on that person's part. Sometimes people just don't know what to say, so they don't call. It's horrible to feel like you are the plague or something. Remember, they do have lives besides just a child with cancer. Ask about the other children, ask about how THEY are doing. Ask about their hobbies or work. They will like to talk about other things besides, "How is [the cancer kid] doing?".

There is always the chance the child will not make it, but the parents do not want to be reminded of this on a daily basis. It is in their heads whether they want it to be or not. Don't bring it to the surface for them. Treat them with respect and dignity. They deserve it. Their every day lives have changed more than anyone would ever realize. Be there as a good friend, a listener, and do whatever the family needs to help them stay strong. Be encouraging, even if that means being silent.

"We can do no great things - only small things with great love."
- Mother Teresa

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